Something Extra Under the Tree
Greetings Friends, Family, Lovers, Enemies, Band Devotees and Band Divorcees…
Thanks to everyone who came out and tore the roof off La Famiglia in Carmel for their first anniversary party. We’re still missing equipment and large chunks of memory from the evening, but we know everybody had a good time because the dance floor was full and Ian’s jar of apple pie moonshine was empty. Do the math!
This month, we’re regrouping and doing what comes naturally — namely, looking for opportunities to go OUTSIDE to drink. (Nothing like some golden gamma rays to melt the cubes in your Vodka Lemonade.) Oh, and getting ready for our next couple o' shows – Friday, May 2 at The Winery at St. George and Friday May 30th at the Putnam County Golf Course BBQ Series. Are we excited? We’re shakin' all over!
Rockin' in the Xmas Spirits
At the Winery Again.
Celebratin' our Tenth!
Well, all that’s bootleg hooch under the bridge now, because your favorite little local flame-throwing rock n roll band is back to sauté your senses this coming Friday when The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails bring their fire-breathing brand of sexy sixties and seventies songs back to The Winery at St. George in Mohegan, starting at 9:30. It’s our ten year anniversary, and not unlike fine wine, we just keep getting better! And drunker!
And just so you know, The Winery is a former 100-year-old church, so it’s a goddamn beautiful venue. So get in to the sin and dance your pants off this Friday as The LGC celebrates ten years of the shakes!
Cocktails. At The Winery!
Celebrate the Northwood's 10th
Meet The Cocktails
Paint the Town with The LGC
Get Warm and Fuzzy with The LGC.
Trick or Treat!
Back to School with The Cocktails
I'm Your Captain, I'm Your Captain
Bad Luck and Trouble Party
Make it a double
Shoot yourself over to Teddy's
It's About Time!
Come out and cheer the Massacre that is our Valentine's Day Hangover by being there for these two true shining females of the species. Drink up, drink down and spread some of that leftover love around! Show starts at 9:30.
Ho, Ho, Ho - In You Go!
Tommy's Birthday Blowout
Smells like fish.
And don't forget our appearance at the Putnam Valley Cabin Fever Carnival, April 29, at 9:30 pm!
Is alcohol an aphrodisiac? To answer that you also have to ask yourselves the burning questions: Do chickens have lips? Do bears shit in the woods? You bet your bear ass, it is! It loosens the lips and tongue -- two key components in the exotic, intoxicating dance routine known to Nat Geo fans as “mating.” It has been observed by scientists and barflies alike that two people with synergistic levels of inebriation (and a Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails sexy show soundtrack) will achieve libation-induced sexual liberation within a matter of three songs into any given LGC set list.
However, as the Dead Kennedy’s so thoughtfully warned us, it is possible to go overboard on the stuff and wind up with your timber pointing south -- or if you’re a woman, occasionally passed out on the men’s room floor. So, to ensure that your wood points north, may we suggest that you maintain safe levels of looseness next Friday, March 25th when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails once again descend upon the Northwood Inn in Mahopac and fling their fantastic pheromones all over the joint. No protection needed. Dance dangerously!
Now to BLIND.
Which fiery rebel-rouser had us all seeing red when she introduced a certain LGC face to a piece of broken glass? Sources say she’s done some crazy shit before, but this time...
End of Daze
LGC Trivia Question: Which bandmember NEARLY ran over his dead neighbor lying frozen in the street on the way to last Friday’s Sue’s Sunset show?
In this week of supreme overindulgence, we invite you to eat, drink and be merry to your heart attack’s content, because next week we know you’re gonna wanna work it all off by joining your favorite band of ice cube marinators, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, at the Northwood in Mahopac Friday night. The LGC will be opening and closing for the soon-to-maybe-be legendary Get Your Wings -- the premiere Aerosmith Tribute Band in the land, featuring Otto from the Cocktails, Pepe from Killer and The Detonators, Andy from Ace Frehley and The Vagrants and Danny from Another Planet. These guys do Aerosmith the way Aerosmith was meant to be done -- dirty, nasty, ratty rock n roll ‘smith exclusively plucked from their high heyday in the seventies. It’ll be a night to remember to drink to forget!
And speaking of soaring, we’re still sore and coming down hard from a fermentation filled weekend of back-to-back. Thanks to everyone who danced their pants off at The Sunset house on Friday and to Tom O’Reilly who showed us a swinging good time at the More Sugar singles/mingles party at the Holiday Inn in Mt. Kisco. Also, a special toast to Bootsy just for being Bootsy.
Until next time -- save me some dark meat!
Three shows. One weekend. Livers somewhat intact.
What a weekend! First, the band let loose at the Spruce on Friday and drank more beer than a small army of Irish Wolfhounds.
Then onto Woofstock, where the band rocked n' rolled in some crap it found on the lawn. You ain’t seen nothing til you’ve experience hot Yorkie on Chocolate Lab action. Thanks again to the electric blues boys of Blue Mozart, who provided the LGC with stellar sound, and a special you-make-me-wanna-shout-out to Not Fade Away, who greased the crowd for us with their timely timeless rock n roll classics.
Later that night... The Rusty Trombones blew into Rubens in Peekskill for their maiden gig and despite the cramped quarters, everyone had a reach-around great time. Again, a round of thank yous to everybody who dragged themselves out for one last musical act in a weekend full of musical acts. Look for the next Rusty ‘Bones show at the Peekskill Coffee House, September 11th from 8 til 10 – not 24 hours after the almighty Scared Stiffs open up their hearts and veins once again for the hungry hordes at The Northwood, with Dino and the Hostages!
Summertime and the living is sleazy
Speaking of... this weekend offers several Lifesize Gorgeous reasons to go on living:
First, on Friday, August 6th, the band returns to The Spruce Hill Inn for another electric sweat session. If you were there the first time we played, you know how good it was... but remember... legally you’re enjoined from talking about it.
Then on Sunday, the 8th, it’s a double-header of sorts as the LGC joins our good pals Blue Mozart to play a set for our fine furry friends (and no, we’re not talking about Dickie Mellonball and smarmy former manager Jeff Valley). We’re going to the dogs for the Woofstock Benefit at Sycamore Park in Mahopac. We commandeer the bandstand at 11:30 am with an assortment of bands to follow.
Then, later on that same evening, it’s the musical event you didn’t know jackdiddley about but have totally been waiting for -- the maiden voyage gig of The Rusty Trombones, featuring Roxy, Otto and The Brown Tornado from The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, and Beautiful Bobby Bauer from Hey Baby. It’s hard-ass acoustic rock and the perfect soundtrack for your fetish-filled life. It’s all happening at Ruben's Mexican Cafe in Peekskill from 6:00 til 8:30ish. So, if all you Rust Rioters aren’t quite done getting lubed up, may we suggest Ruben's as the perfect hub for a nightcap?
The Hey Baby Cancer Awareness Event was a blast -- literally. One of my guitars blew up due to a lethal combo of humidity, pelvic friction and all the free beer that was made available to the band. But all hail King Jimmy Buddy Ox, Skip, Bobby and the rest of the boys for making a big day out feel more like a high school reunion. (You know, like a cool reunion, like the 5th -- before everybody gets boring and fat.) Let’s see, then there was the Spruce Hill show, then there was… shit, I forget. They don’t call ‘em Mind Erasers for nothing! Oh yeah, somewhere in there Roxy got cheeky with Deadbolt main man Harley Davidson. Scary voodoo girl!
Next up, this Friday the 21st, Sue’s Sunset House. Come on out and rock till you plop. It’s Ladies Night! (That’s not official, I’m just calling it that so more ladies show up)
Spring Into Action
Mother Nature Called...
photo courtesy of Scott "Ansel Adams" Stevens
...and when she did she flooded the switchboards, clogged our driving arteries and dropped a big f*ckin log on our dreams of anointing Richy’s Pub n Grub’s Grand Opening with The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails' own particular brand of vicious dirty martini rock and swanky splendor. Sorry, I know I promised that the weather could not possibly deter us from rocking, but I lied. I’ve also lied about my height on several occasions, so what?
Stay tuned to see when Richy’s is rescheduled. Meanwhile, next up on the calendar is Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill on Friday the 19th.
So be there! Get yer ass to Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill this Friday the 19th and be ready to sacrifice your body, brain and dignity to appease the Sun Goddess and help her thaw this ice cap crap with heat-generating wild gyrations!
And if you miss that for some ridiculous reason like you’re having a baby or shaving your cat, you can catch the band in all it’s gory glory the following weekend, Friday the 26th, at the Grand-frikkin-Opening of the newly revampired Richy’s Pub n Grub (formerly "The End Zone") in the Miranda Plaza in Cortlandt Manor (or Putnam Valley, if you believe Google or Panda Garden's take-out menu).
Finally, best wishes go out to our master of super-soused sound, Dickie Mellonball, whose recent back surgery has left him temporarily out of commission and has left the rest of the band temporarily stumbling around buzzed on his codeine prescription. Feel better, brother! We are!
Don't Fear the Cheer!
This is it - the last show of the first decade of the century... and we’re pulling out all the slops. Join The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails for a holiday to remember to forget!
This Friday, December 18th, starting at 10.
With very special guests: The Luscious Lushes Go-Go-Dancers and, appearing as himself, world-famous Elvis tribute artist, Michael Vegas!
You are cordially invited to pour yourself into none other than Ziggy’s world-famous Northwood Inn, Friday December 4th, as The Cocktails branch out and headline their first-ever full show at this tasty Mahopac tavern. We’ve played there before as guests of our beloved Barfly Orchestra, but this is our moment in the sun! (Okay, it’s kinda dark in there, but you get the idea.) We need a good showing that night, so you bring the asses, we’ll bring the axes, deal?
And joining the band in a very special live performance is the immortal Michael Vegas. And you thought rockabilly just left the building!
Also, much grattitude to all those who came out and shook it on down for both shows this past weekend. If we can get you back out to the Northwood, we promise that the one and only "Foxy" Roxy Von Popov will personally pummell you with primitive love!
The Band Flips the Bird
First, get ready to put the gorge in gorgeous as the LGC returns this Friday, November 20th, to Sue’s Sunset House to offer themselves to the hungry fans who undoubtedly would like nothing more than to tear apart our collective carcass and consume our flesh (wait, which frikkin' holiday is this?).
Then, it’s back for seconds on Sunday the 22nd at the German American Club from 2-9 as we join the cute-as-a-button, but decidedly un-toilet trained Hey Baby to celebrate another year of the only paper that matters in New York – More Sugar. Come out as we tip our hats, cups, bartenders, and take off our shirts to the Prince of Pulp – Tom O’Reilly, with a BIG assist to Contessa of Cool - Karen Collins.
The Luscious Lushes will be there to whip the crowd (literally) into a frothy frenzy, and if that’s not enough to lure SOME of you 18,000 alleged readers out, how about a well-placed kick in the giblets?
Howloween with the Cocktails
And this one, not used. For in-house comedy only:
Big Stiff Cocktails, The Crawling Eye and Things that go Dump in the Night
First The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails light it up this upcoming Friday the 16th at Sue’s Sunset House in PeeksKILL, featuring the long-awaited return of those voluptuous voodoo priestesses, The Luscious Lushes! Girls got new go-go boots and they’re gonna dance all over you.
Then Sunday the world’s greatest undead live act belches forth from the grave to scare the pants off every girl within 3.7 miles: The Scared Stiffs return to decimate and desecrate Terror Tom O’Reilly’s own More Sugar Halloween Smash.
In related band news, Dr. Harvè Bangwaller had his crawling eye popped out and replaced by a newer, shinier one. Word is he’s recovering not-so-nicely and will stare a hole through you if you don’t buy him a drink on Friday. Wood eye?! Harelip! (very, very old joke)
Then in other band-related news (literally) Chris from the Stiffs and his lovely lady Arlene popped out perfect twins this past Wednesday. Zane and ‘Nova, welcome to the world! I’ll drink to that! Although nurses were apparently shocked that the babies arrived with black nail polish....
Speedy recovery all and get some sleep Chris and Harvè - we got gigs this week! (see above)
Hair of the Dog with The LGC!
Beach Blackout Bingo
Sorry for the long delays between communiqués, but the band took off the month of August to hit the beach for a little well-deserved R & R (Relaxation and Rum). Predictably, one R & R led to another coupla R’s (Rehab Redux) but now that that little inconvenient truth is behind us, we can get back to our regularly scheduled party liquor and gluggin' good times.
But that doesn’t mean we’ve been neglecting the rock, no, sir. Spent some time with BF’nF Jeff Cuervo Goldberg down in his Philly den of all that is audio, Vinyl Snake Studios, placing some salt on the rim of The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktail’s first full-length record, tentatively titled 7 & 7. We’re almost at the point where we're ready to stick the little umbrella in it, so stay tuned and save up all your money because when that bitch comes out, someone’s gonna get crushed in the midnight sale madness.
Other diversions: a trip down to Brooklyn to surf the wild Gowanus with the third annual Psychobilly Luau. Highlights included The Scared Stiffs own Dr. Matte Black’s band -- The Wanda Jackson Five -- and an ultra-rarified performance by the Scariest Band in the World… Deadbolt. Lowlights included Former Smarmy Agent Jeff Valley’s car catching fire on the first leg of the trip and almost torching a birthday party full of six year olds.
He Otto Know Better. Otto clicks with Deadbolt.
Going down brown
Ladies of the Evening and Men of Ill Repute, we give you The Brown Tornado. Yes, it’s official -- we’re all down with the Brown. So from here on out, Pauli - the category five of flailing feet, the vicious vortex of villainous verisimilitude, the rum-running, swath-cutting, skin-slapper will be known henceforth as simply The Brown Tornado.
To celebrate this most murky event, we’ll be downing and drowning in brown liquor like our grandfathers at Sue's Sunset House on July 17th. Wear something brown and you just might be earning extra brownie points from The Luscious Lushes, who return in full splendor to tempt revellers off their asses and on to the dance floor -- to get brown and get down!
Lava means never having to say you’re sorry
Eager to add to his collection of cursed forbidden trinkets (I think we’re all familiar with the Brady Bunch in Hawaii episode), he turned his pockets inside out to find his flask, his wallet, his lucky dagger but, unfortunately, not the five bucks required to walk away with the tiki. When he finally returned, incredible post-LGC show later, he was greeted with an empty space on the field where the tiki table had been.
Oh, how Otto cried! He cried and cried till he actually water-boarded himself with his own salty tears. (Editor's Note: Not true. Otto never cries; he breaks stuff.)
Still, the great outdoors was made even greater by the Cocktail’s incendiary performance on the rain-besotted stage. Weather and locusts be damned!
Special thanks again to Tom “The Bomb” O’Reilly for the beer and for having us there. Also, to the rest of the boys in the Barfly Orchestra, Hey Baby, No Excuse and Pistol Pete’s Soul Tree Villains.
Backstage at the New York Dolls show, David Johannsen begged Roxy for a photo op.
Otto Wino discovers boxed wine and wonders if it comes coffin-sized.
Stewed Driver scours Englishtown in search of the next perfect posi-rear.
Pauli Dangerously eases into Downward Dog position and reemerges four days later.
Harvé Bangwaller stops the world, and melts with Hugh.
Dickie Mellonball nurses his ears and develops an unhealthy attraction to Hannah Montana.
The LGC will raise the bar (and then close it) May 15th at Sue’s Sunset House and then sizzle their lilywhite tavern tans in actual sunlight when they play the Putnam Valley Town Day, Saturday May 23rd from 1:00 - ? Live music all day! Featuring The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, The Barfly Orchestra, Hey Baby and more! Leonard Wagner Memorial Park, Oscawana Lake Road. Benefits the Putnam Valley Dog Shelter and the Putnam Valley Food Pantry: bring canned goods, etc. Refreshments, farmers market, volleyball, art for kids. And did we mention LIVE MUSIC! ALL DAY!
LGC = SRO
Standing room only! This past Friday, the Cocktails packed the Sunset House to its whiskey–soaked rafters. We’re talkin’ Fire Marshall-jammed. Even with all the girls up on the tables, there wasn’t room to shake your thangs without shakin’ into someone else’s.
Then the pub-crawlers showed up. Two buses full of St. Patty’s Parade Party People, complete with the Grand Damn Marshall. And speaking of spontaneous combustion, the spur-of-the-moment, molotovic Cocktails jam with Captain Bagpipes blew the place out. Thanks to all who didn’t vomit on our equipment!
Next up, a gracious invite from More Sugar Master Tom O’Reilly to play one sexy set sandwiched betwixt his Barfly Orchestra at the nicer than nice Northwood Inn this Saturday Night! No cover. Be there at 10 for a full night of booze-themed band rock!
Make it a double!
ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!
This Friday the 13th, the LGC are gonna get stuporstitious! We're packing up our gear and rabbit’s feet to play two, two, two shows in one day.
First, a rare daytime benefit show for veterans at VA Hudson Valley Healthcare System, Montrose Campus.
“God I love the smell of vodka in the morning!”
Then we’re dragging our black cat bones to our home away from the asylum -- Sue's Sunset House in Peekskill -- for a MARATHON booze-fueled luckfest! Take note Cocktail lovers: we’re starting early -- NINE O’CLOCK -- and going till the last table dancer topples over.
Also for your added enjoyment, the triumphant return of that tantilizing trio of tasty temptresses, the Luscious Lushes Go-Go Dancers!
Calling all LGC Fans!
There are lots of things those poor little kitties and puppies need, so check the poster to see how you can help. And if you wanna bring something to help feed the humans, that would be great, too.
The whole thing happens from 2-8 at the Putnam Valley German American Club. There’s going to be a ton of talented performers, some Roller Derby Girls and a whole lot of people giving of themselves to help out the animals! Come on down!
Damn You, Mother Nature!
Bitch screwed us again with her sub-zero temps. That’s two straight Sunset shows cancelled ‘cause of her frigid, fickle ways. Apologies to anyone who came out and braved the cold and didn’t get the emergency e-mail in time. We promise we’ll make it up to you if it’s the last thing we do.
(And it just might be.)
Meanwhile we did storm Arlene’s Grocery in the city on Sunday and raised a rukus as well as raising a bunch of cash in a benefit for the Abingdon Theater Company’s production of Greek Holiday. Fun was had by all, even though pastrami was only had by some in a post-show pigout at Katz’s famous deli. Viva La Meat Bomb!
Harvé points out the culprit.
“YOU! You’re the one who stuck this mike in my eye!”
But have no fear, Sugar Plums! We’re revving the whole shebang back up again, January 16th at 10 pm, with the LGC Ghost of Christmas Passed Spectacular at Sues’s Sunset House in Peekskill.
Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole - THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!
It’ll be like the holidays came and went and came again! Pass the tissues!
And then, even before you’ve had a chance to clean the reindeer droppings offa your Go-Go boots, we make a triumphant return to Arlene’s Grocery in NYC, as part of a triple-header to benefit the Abingdon Theatre Company’s production of Greek Holiday (which will feature none other than Mrs. Bangwaller). That’s two days later, January 18th, from 5 - 8 pm. Also on the bill: D’Haene and The Mighty Weaklings.
Rudolph With Your Nose So Bright... You Really Need More Scotch Tonight?
Anyho, ho, ho....
Time to rev up all our reindeer drinking games again, hang mistletoe in all the most strategic positions (beltbuckles) and rock your stockings off in the holliest, jolliest way we know how... by dropping our Xmas Yule Log Rock Show on Sues’s Sunset House (December 19th @ 10 pm).
Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole -- THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!
For Amber Waves
of Grain (Alcohol)...
Now that the election is over and our hangovers are dissipating (You try playing an election night drinking game where you have to do a shot every time somebody says “too close to call”) it’s time to transition from Barack n Roll back to plain old Rock n Roll with renewed vigor. And that’s a campaign promise the LGC intends to keep! We’ll be playing our usual home away from home, Sue’s Sunset House, on Friday, November 21, but then a mere two days later, we’re honored to be playing More Sugar’s 15th Anniversary Party on Sunday, November 23rd. Details are sketchy as of now, but then again, so are we.
Drink Up, Throw Down, Throw Up
Meanwhile the LGC are busy planning their costumes and calendars around the return of The Scared Stiffs — rising from the grave for two nights of bone-chilling, flesh-eating Halloween fun. Whoever said “rock is dead” must have just come from a show creature-featuring these guys!
Oh yeah, may we once again recommend the latest LGC libation below — THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. Never has a more disgusting cocktail been more appropriate for a holiday — seriously, this thing looks like a pavement oyster suspended in formaldehyde... ENJOY!
1 oz Peach Schnapps
1 tsp Bailey's Irish Cream
2 drops Grenadine
Pour the Peach Schnapps into a large shot glass. Slowly add the Bailey's and top with the grenadine.
Oh, by the way (shssssh), Mystery Gig in November....
A Lifesize Gorgeous Toast to the newly revved-up giant Swiss Proton Beam Particle Collider which will either:
- Finally reveal the deep dark mysterious origins of the genesis of our planet
- Open up matter-eating black holes which will ultimately destroy our planet.
At this point, either outcome is sort of okay with us. If it is truly the beginning of the end, then we leave you with these delectable shots of the gang at Otto’s Birthday Bash a couple of weeks ago, where atom-smashing and sour mashing coexisted in equal measure.
But if the only black hole in our future is Sarah Palin’s, then by god get your ass to the next Sunset House gig in Peekskill, Friday, September 19th. That’s back to FRIDAYS. Take note Calendar Girls!
And if we somehow manage to cling to our mortal coils beyond that, there’s The Scared Stiff’s own Chris Laubis’ annual Birthday Crusade happening (and we mean happening) at Seany B’s in Millbrook, NY on October 11th. Bands sharing the stage with The LGC are slinky voodude rockers Black Cat Xing and rode-hard-and-put-way-wet journeymen, Steel Rodeo.
Next up - a private party that’s so private that to tell you it’s location would mean certain death... so we’ll just leave it at that. Cheers!
May all of Otto’s Wishes Come True...
Here’s Otto with two of his biggest fans, TNA Wrestling’s own Salinas (aka Vampire Girl) who offered to blow out Otto’s candles to honor his birthday, (aka Otto’s big bounce from The Wombar).
It’s gonna be an LGC smash to end all bashes, with special guest star Sloe Jim Fizz on rusty harmonica, the return of those beautiful and talented Goddesses of Gyration, The Luscious Lushes, and the rare rumored-to-be-true reappearance of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard: The Scared Stiffs!
Save the date or tempt the fate!
Stewed Da Baker
If you’re going DUI, you might as well DIY in style — with a 383 six pak powered, 500 horse ’66 Dodge Charger boasting a worked 727 torque flite trans and a 3:91 posi rear. (Plenty of grunt to blow up any skirt!) Here’s Stewed gearing his ride up for Otto’s Birthday Bash at The Sunset House in Peekskill on Saturday, August 23rd, featuring the steamy return of our very own Goddesses of Gyration: The Luscious Lushes.
ALSO a rare rumored-to-be-true reemergence of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard — The Scared Stiffs!
Be there or beware!
When You're Having Rum
Summer’s swinging and the blender’s getting more action than an Army Base Liquor Store Hooker. All of which leads us to the evil pleasures of Rum -- the cheap, murky mistress of mariners worldwide.
While some members of our favorite band, like “Bosun” Brown Tornado, strictly follow Captain Morgan off the plank, others like Otto prefer the landscape-erasing, tsunami effects of a fine Jamaican White Overproof. Stewed, of course enjoys his Mount Gay.
Whatever your pleasure, rum’s no fun unless it’s imbibed in true witch doctor fashion -- mixed with several other paralyzing poisons of the central nervous system, some fresh fruit, and served in what else? A handsomely horrific Tiki mug!
So da doo rum rum until you da don’t no more! And do stay tuned -- the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are taking July to learn new songs to unleash on the unsuspecting masses August 23rd (Otto’s Birthday!) at the Sunset House in Peekskill.
Highballs and Lowlifes
A rose that smelled like it was watered with stale beer for a month.
A rose where all the petals have been ripped off in a violent "they love us, they love us not" contest.
By the way -- consensus is they love us, but we all know love is a prickly thing.
Anyway, here are our top seven May Magic Moments:
1. Mai Tai Mike’s face-melting special guest guitar appearance on the Foghat version of “I Just Want To Make Love To You.” Look for more of that!
2. Mike and Andrea showing up at Seany B’s and smiling the whole damn time.
3. A floor full of ten-year-olds momentarily paralyzed by the power of rock.
4. Sloe Jim Fizz guest-starring on a Yardbirds romp, dragging notes out of his harp like a caveman in love.
5. The Manhattan Mamapalooza Project -- no DUI’s!
6. The Return of the Lady in White, who graced us once again with her spastic cosmic hump-and-grind.
7. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken power amp, we thank our friends who never fail to come out and see us whenever they can. We owe you a drink!
Mixing it up in Millbrook
Landing at Sunset House
Cocktails Pound Manhattan
Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.
Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!
Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!
“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”
Full Moon Fever
Special thanks to the mysterious Lady in White, who repeatedly flashed the crowd before devouring some hapless (yet happy) mustachioed man on the dance floor, right before our bloodshot bewildered eyes.
(Editor’s Note – next time you bring out the Twin Milkmaids, make sure you face the band. We’re the ones working for it, for God's sake!)
April Showers bring Whiskey Sours
But hey, we all forgive and forget (except for Otto, who “accidentally” ran his Uncle Salty through with a rusty gaff in 1985) and we’re willing to now accept Whiskey Sours (sans embryo and Pixie Stix Mix) temporarily back into the LGC's officially sanctioned Cocktail Corner. Which brings us somewhat awkwardly to promoting the next Sunset House Show on April 18. We’re counting down the weeks, the days and the sours till the next time we have the honor to rock for you!
Luckily we had a lot of other diversions to fill our time -- like fitful sleep, Easter candy orgies, paranoid delusions and uh... crap, there must be something else... oh yeah, The Shakes!
But now we’re back off the wagon and better than ever. Matter of fact, we’re channeling all our new found, recently-lubricated creative energy into crafting the finest LGC show yet-- which we plan to unleash on the unsuspecting girl-on-girl-grinding public Friday April 18th at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Be present or The Brown Tornado will personally visit you at work and blow ill wind in your general direction, which I assure you, is most unpleasant.
Good Friday Gone Bad
Then (provided we all survive) we’re draggin’ our collective rock-hard glutes up to Seany B’s in Millbrook the next night, Saturday the 22nd, where the LGC keep the Guinness Express rolling - taking part in a Poptown Records extravagasm, with international songman Michael Weston King and two other shit-kicking bands.
Erin Go Braless!
Sometimes the glass is half full and sometimes the glass is knocked out of your hand by a sauced sociopath “dancing” to a Deep Purple tune.
Our VD gig fell somewhere in the middle, with the Asian BirdSwine flu wiping out two-thirds of The Luscious Lushes and invading our perfect bodies as well. The result was a rare Lushless event complete with a ton of tissues and a performance that can only be described as “classic.”
Next up -- a Friday March 21st post-St. Patrick’s celebration at The Sunset House in Peekskill (just keep drinking and you won’t notice it’s four days later), followed by the band’s triumphant return to Seany B’s in Millbrook, supporting Poptown Records' own international recording artist and UK’s favorite troubadour, Michael Weston King. Details to follow.
If we don’t see you at one of these shows, Stewed will personally come to your house and narrow your broadband.
Love means never having to say you’re wasted
Uh, oh -- it’s that time of year again when Cupid loads his bow and goes gunning for the lonely and unattached. Love is in the air, chocolate’s in the box and the edible undies are flying off the shelves. Come fishing for your soul mate this Friday, February 15th at The Sunset House in Peekskill when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails take the stage and spread the love like flu through a pre-school.
Or, if you're already sporting a soul mate, bring him/her to the show, as we will be whipping up a legendary pheremone gumbo for your grinding pleasure.
Wanted. Sort of.
Have you seen this guy?
Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.
Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.
It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.
Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).
So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.
And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”
Chill with the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails
Our latest poster and eflyer.
The Toast of Christmas Past
If you somehow missed the LGC at The Sunset House on Friday, you are almost certain to be rewarded Christmas morn with a lump of coal-sized kidney stone. The merriment that occured was legendary. Once again The Luscious Lushes stole the show -- dolled up as delectible, candy-coated, devil daughters of Vixen.
All eyes were on Plushie, Slushie, and Crushie as bar patrons of both sexes strained to feel the fur trim the table dancers had to offer.
The Band, of course churned out electric rock like Santa’s Workshop on a three week meth bender.
Holiday highlights included a molten version of "Run Run Rudolph" and a Ventures medley featuring our own Sound Manaschevitz Dickie Mellonball on bass. A full night of sonic erotica!
Also, special thanks to Shopkeeper Sue for whipping up the best Espresso Martinis this side of the North Pole. To Diamond Dirk (The Legend) Pidgeon for extra muscle and continued support. To smarmy agent Jeff Valley and (that was) Cole for the love and hustle, and to all our new and old friends who shook the room like a freakin’ snow globe.
Now on to sleep mode. (Translation - sleep, rehab, learning new songs) We’ll be back at The Sunset House January 18th, 2008. Until then, drink up, lie down and keep checkin’ back for updates.
Rumor of the Week - Someone’s ex got Blitzened and headed south to the wrong pole.
Drink the Grog. Burn the Log.
All of which means, we need your love. Desperately. Come out to the Sunset House in Peekskill on December 21st and show us your love. Feel free to show us everything else, too. Fa-la-la-la-la!
It’s the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails last show of 2007 and we’re going out with a bang -- a full-on yuletide garage rock thrill ride complete with the solid gold stylings of Santa’s sexiest little helpers -- the always lap-warming Luscious Lushes. Be there!
Scheissenweiss and Spaetzlehoff
The German American Club show was one for the record books. Never before has the band been so showered in delicious beer and fine dinery! (For the record: we have been showered in beer before, but it was quite literally -- and probably Bud Light.) Thanks again to Kathy, who surprised the living crap outta B-boy Paul and to all our new friends and fans. Especially the ones in the fourth grade.
Next up - our sonic cup of rock runneth over in Connecticut this Friday at Hot Shots in Newtown!
Filthy Pilgrims, Sexy Squaws
Thanksgiving came six days early as the LGC Plymouth-rocked The Sunset House this past Friday eve. Not only was there a cornucopia of Cocktail loyalists dancing their collective asses off, but a whole new crop of pie-eyed pioneers came out to witness the spectacle, too.
Thanks of course to everyone, but the big Thanksgiving Drumstick of Love goes out to Plushie, Slushie and Crushie Lush, whose hips (and skimpy outfits) brought fire from the sky and whipped up a gravy none will soon forget.
And check out the gallery of new photos from the gig! (More Lush-shots and even some of the band!)
Next up - private party on December 1st at Putnam Valley's German American Club and then Hot Shots in Newtown, CT on December 7th - a day which will live in infamy.
Rumor of the week - St. Pauli Dangerously's EMT training saved his own ass Friday night....
(show goes on)
In case you hadn’t heard, our own Otto Wino met with an unfortunate fishing accident last weekend off the coast of Nova Scotia. Seems the great white he was trying to gaff whipped around and tore off a substantial chunk of Otto’s foot before escaping into the dark depths.
Unfazed, Otto cauterized the wound with a hot knife and a fifth of overproof Jamaican rum. The accident was unfortunate, but the rum sacrifice a true tragedy.
Nevertheless, this Friday’s gig at Peekskill’s Sunset House will go on despite Otto’s hobbled state. Although he has vowed to rock in an upright position, the band is adamant that he not bleed to death (on stage anyway) and may force him to rock seated. Come witness this new unravelling drama, plus the glory and the power of all that is LGC, and for God’s sake, please help Otto carry something at some point during the night.
Rumor no more!
in Newtown on December 7th!
Hot Shots on 130 Mt Pleasant Rd.
The LG Cocktails, of course, burned like a thousand suns until they flamed out in a sonic supernova of monitorless magma that somehow, but not unexpectedly, included Dino.
Special thanks to Johnny and Thea from JV Productions for getting us lubed up at the pre-party party and to Plushie and Gary for putting us up (and putting up with us) at Club Bubble. And to all our friends who show up all the time -- you know we love you!
Next up – THE SUNSET HOUSE in Peekskill on November 16th. Every third Friday of every month - we’re there, so you be there. There, there…
Then, get your ghoul on and go see The Scared Stiffs (featuring LGC’s own Otto Wino) Saturday October 27 at the spookiest Stompfest of all – Frankenstein’s Fortress in Stanfordville, NY.
NOTE: New photos up from the October 5th Sunset House and October 13th Seany B's shows.
RUMOR OF THE WEEK – The LifeSize Gorgeous Cocktails crack Connecticut for the first time when they (allegedly) might appear at Hot Shots in Newtown on December 7th -- a day that doesn’t necessarily need any extra infamy, but we’ll be more than glad to provide it.
Booze? Music? Birthdays?
But come early! The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are doing their thing at 8ish – a one-set sex assault on your senses before releasing the stage to the other amazing bands for sloppy seconds and thirds. Bring wetnaps!
To start off, if you forget to attend Friday's gig (October 5) at the Sunset House (137 N. Water St., Peekskill, NY), here's who's coming after you:
He's a bachelor, a member of the Valvoline tribe of Tireironlandia, and was voted most likely to impale. Notice in the background his older brother, Brucie -- aka Floating Tiki Headboy. Between the two, you haven't got a chance. So be there, or be impaled.
Next up, a still from the 1967 classic Roger Corman film, Gidget Meets the Tikimen, featuring cult fave, Otto and the Tikimen (of the classic Top 40 hit, "Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Tiki Ticky Tacky").
This is from the famous scene where Otto and his posse threaten Gidget, ultimately falling into each other's arms (Otto and Gidget, not the posse). (You know, the one where the notorious hickey close-up never made it into the final edit of the film?)
And now it's our own Harvè as "Dr. Bangwaller" in the 1959 Cold War paranoiac horror-scifi thriller, Tikihead from the Puffy Clouds. This is from the renowned scene where "Dr. Bangwaller" calculates the sun's azimuth divided by the earth's diameter and mumbles "Pies are squared," somehow determining the optimal escape route for co-stars Peter Graves and Barbara Steele ("Dr. Bangwaller" is subsequently crushed by the Giant Tikiheads).
Finally, we have the band pose from our appearance opening for Dino Fregosi at the Claddagh (what? no monsters or tiny tribesmen? -- you find 'em where you see 'em):
Ears ringing... livers screaming... people buzzing...
The Fallen Biker Benefit was cool. Thanks to Jason Gisser for the impeccable sound and a Few Good Men MC for being great hosts and for not beating us to death with pool cues.
The Dino Fregosi Experience was everything an out-of-control, decadent excuse for rock 'n’ roll excess should be. What happened at the Claddagh stays at the Claddagh. Special thanks to Chris Laubis from The Scared Stiffs for making it all happen. If anybody found our bag full of t-shirts, let us know.
Sunday’s Mahopac Gazebo gig was very... bright. Daytime’s a bitch, but all had a good time. Hair-of-the-dog-stuck-to-some-cotton-candy is the best way to describe it. Shout outs to Scooby-Doo, for the sexy-as-you-can-imagine stripper routine during whatever song we were playing.
See you all at The Sunset House this Friday October 5th and then in Millbrook at Seany B's 101 on the 13th. That appears for the moment to be the last one for October, as we take some time to learn some new songs and replenish out liquor supplies.
Requests? Drop us a line.
A Regular Appearance AND the Metamucil Puzzle Winner!
The winner of our unannounced contest is a Mr. or Ms. S. Rarfell of Putnam Valley. Congrats to the winner of a solo lapdance from our own "Foxy" Roxy (she of the very beautiful lips and teeth)! May you two find bliss -- or your ways to our monthly gig at the Sunset House, at least!
Three Gigs in 24 hours!
September 29, 6:30 pm
Benefit for Fallen Bikers
Eagle's Hall, Ossining, NY
7 Old Albany Post Rd
September 29, 9:30 pm-ish
The Claddagh Bar & Grill, Mahopac, NY
925 Route 6
September 30, 1:30 pm
Mahopac Chamber Community Park
Route 6N and Sycamore Rd
Holy Metamucil, Batman!
As if booty-shakin’ babes dancing on wobbly tables wasn’t enough, a surprise special guest appearance by the legendary local singer/ frontman/madman, Dino Fregosi, took it to the next level, which could best be described as total reckless chaotic abandon!
The end of the night saw Dino, Roxy, Stewed and the delicious Plushie Lush sharing a mic with The Scared Stiff's bass-thumping ghoul-gone-wild Chris Laubis before the whole thing basically burst into flames.
Dino had so much fun that he invited LGC to open up for his ever-popular Dino and the Missiles next Saturday night (9/29) at The Claddagh in Mahopac at 10.
For those following along, that’s three gigs in 24 hours this upcoming weekend for the Cocktails, beginning with The Fallen Biker Benefit at 6:30 at Eagle's Hall (7 Old Albany Post Rd, Ossining, NY) and winding up at the gazebo in Mahopac Chamber Community Park (Corner of Routes 6 and 6N, Downtown Mahopac) at 1:30 pm. Hope to see you at one or all of ‘em. We’ll be the ones on stage -- with the guitars, drums and stuff...
On a separate note - we raise and drain our glasses to the meanest pianist we know, Harvé Bangwaller, who not only survived his first LGC gig, but made it sing. Thanks, Harvé -- we may even reconsider not posting those embarrassing post-gig cheesecake shots of you, too.
Here You Come Again
Details will follow, so all of this is approximate, but it seems the evening will kick off at 5:00 pm, and we'll begin kicking ass at 6:30.
Eagles Hall, 7 Old Albany Post Rd., Ossining, NY. This funky little dance space is a 100-year-old, former church that has been a setting in Hollywood productions. It features a wooded dance floor, air-conditioning, open bar, and plenty of safe, free parking. The location is moments from Ossining and Croton-Harmon train stations.
From Taconic State Pkwy., take Rt. 134 exit west for 3 miles to right at light on Rt. 9A North, then make 3rd right at large Shady Farm Road Sign (also smaller sign for General Electric) after approx. 1 mile. After taking exit, turn left on Old Albany Post Rd., and the club is 0.1 mile on right.
From Rt. 9 (between Ossining and Croton-on-Hudson), turn on Old Albany Post Rd. across from St. Augustine's Church and School. The turn is just south of Rt. 9 and 9A split. If you are heading North it's a right before the light; heading South it's a left at the light. After the turn, the hall is approx. 0.2 miles on left.
Rainy Day Band (and a new poster!)
The Rainy Day Band
Otto, Stewed, St. Pauli, Roxy, and Harvé
In their depression, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails turn to drink.
(As if they needed the excuse...)
And on a happier note...
Here's the poster for the Sunset House show!
The Sweet Spot
We’ll make it up to you if it’s the last goddamn thing we do! Drop by the Sunset House (a delicious bar of ill repute) on September 21st at 137 N. Water St. and raise your glasses to help us ring in whatever needs to be rung. We’ll be ones on stage wearing the guitars and stuff. Now, where’s my refill?
See? I Tole You!
We'll also be performing on September 30 on the gazebo in Lake Mahopac during the big Whatchamacallit Festival. Start time approximately 1:30 p.m. Details to follow when someone 'splains it to me better. Bring the kids! (We'll try not to scare them too much....)
Rainy Days and Mondays....
We apologize to our friends and fans and hope to have something new lined up soon!