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THE STRAIGHT UP

It's About Time!

Poster for the gigIt's about Space. About Cave-People in the Strangest Place. A fitting description for the event about to transpire at Sue's Sunset House this Friday the 17th. Cave-dwellers drunk on booze-fueled rock will defy evolution, stomping their hands and clapping their feet to the primal beat of The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails. Not only is it a Vice Monkey gathering of epic proportions, but also on hand (and foot) to celebrate is the one and only KAREN "BOOTSIE" COLLINS, who will be celebrating her birthday by losing herself in the sultry sounds, and hypnotizing every male patron in the joint to do her evil bidding. And trust me -- the bidding starts high, baby! Also celebrating her Alcatraz-like escape from the womb is everybody's, and I mean everybody's favorite bartendress -- KERRI.

Come out and cheer the Massacre that is our Valentine's Day Hangover by being there for these two true shining females of the species. Drink up, drink down and spread some of that leftover love around! Show starts at 9:30.
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End of Daze

Run for your lives! It's the end of the world!It’s a New Year, and while the birds are dropping and the fish are floating, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails have every reason to believe that the world will not end by this weekend. That’s why we’re stickin' to our love guns and not canceling our debut show Saturday night at Katie Mac’s neighborhood watering hole in Mt. Kisco. That’s right, we’re saying F-U to Nostradamus and the Mayan Calendar and all those doomsday-sayers who insist that 2011 is really 2012 due to a clerical error, and it doesn’t matter because when the shit goes down... fire, flood and famine, we’ll still be jammin' -- playing everybody’s favorite 60’s and 70’s garage/stadium rock, albeit as your faces melt and hair goes up in flames. Burn, baby, burn!

LGC Trivia Question: Which bandmember NEARLY ran over his dead neighbor lying frozen in the street on the way to last Friday’s Sue’s Sunset show?

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Flying High

It's for you!Let’s raise our collective mugs to the turkey -- a flightless bird whose tryptophonic magic gets us more buzzed than a six of Bud. (Not that we drink Budweiser. We may have limbo-low standards but they’re not subterranean.)
 
In this week of supreme overindulgence, we invite you to eat, drink and be merry to your heart attack’s content, because next week we know you’re gonna wanna work it all off by joining your favorite band of ice cube marinators, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, at the Northwood in Mahopac Friday night. The LGC will be opening and closing for the soon-to-maybe-be legendary Get Your Wings -- the premiere Aerosmith Tribute Band in the land, featuring Otto from the Cocktails, Pepe from Killer and The Detonators, Andy from Ace Frehley and The Vagrants and Danny from Another Planet. These guys do Aerosmith the way Aerosmith was meant to be done -- dirty, nasty, ratty rock n roll ‘smith exclusively plucked from their high heyday in the seventies. It’ll be a night to remember to drink to forget!
 
And speaking of soaring, we’re still sore and coming down hard from a fermentation filled weekend of back-to-back. Thanks to everyone who danced their pants off at The Sunset house on Friday and to Tom O’Reilly who showed us a swinging good time at the More Sugar singles/mingles party at the Holiday Inn in Mt. Kisco. Also, a  special toast to Bootsy just for being Bootsy.
 
Until next time -- save me some dark meat!
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Three shows. One weekend. Livers somewhat intact.

 
1-man waveWhat a weekend! First, the band let loose at the Spruce on Friday and drank more beer than a small army of Irish Wolfhounds.
 
Then onto Woofstock, where the band rocked n' rolled in some crap it found on the lawn. You ain’t seen nothing til you’ve experience hot Yorkie on Chocolate Lab action. Thanks again to the electric blues boys of Blue Mozart, who provided the LGC with stellar sound, and a special you-make-me-wanna-shout-out to Not Fade Away, who greased the crowd for us with their timely timeless rock n roll classics.
 
Later that night... The Rusty Trombones blew into Rubens in Peekskill for their maiden gig and despite the cramped quarters, everyone had a reach-around great time. Again, a round of thank yous to everybody who dragged themselves out for one last musical act in a weekend full of musical acts. Look for the next Rusty ‘Bones show at the Peekskill Coffee House, September 11th from 8 til 10 – not 24 hours after the almighty Scared Stiffs open up their hearts and veins once again for the hungry hordes at The Northwood, with Dino and the Hostages!

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Deliciously Delinquent.

Sorry, I’ve been delinquent with the bloggo lately -- all this social networking is tough when you’ve got your arm in a Sinagapore Sling. Let’s catch up real quick--

The Hey Baby Cancer Awareness Event was a blast -- literally. One of my guitars blew up due to a lethal combo of humidity, pelvic friction and all the free beer that was made available to the band. But all hail King Jimmy Buddy Ox, Skip, Bobby and the rest of the boys for making a big day out feel more like a high school reunion. (You know, like a cool reunion, like the 5th -- before everybody gets boring and fat.)  Roxy n Harley Let’s see, then there was the Spruce Hill show, then there was… shit, I forget. They don’t call ‘em Mind Erasers for nothing! Oh yeah, somewhere in there Roxy got cheeky with Deadbolt main man Harley Davidson. Scary voodoo girl!
 
Next up, this Friday the 21st, Sue’s Sunset House. Come on out and rock till you plop. It’s Ladies Night! (That’s not official, I’m just calling it that so more ladies show up)
 
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Spring Into Action

Kitty pounce!This April, your favorite band of lubed-up lotharios are gonna shower you with love, and I’m not talking about the kind that washes off with a wet washcloth. I’m talking about pure unadulterated dirty adultery featuring slippery guitars, tinkling ivories, throbbing bass and jungle love rhythms. The pheromones are flying and the first place they’re touching down is none other than the Grander Opening of Richy’s Pub ‘n Grub in Putnam Valley -- featuring Corona Girls, $2.50 domestic drafts, free food, giveaways and, of course, the mind-melting movements of The Luscious Lushes Dancers! There’s love and liquor in the air this Saturday. Get some on ya!
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Mother Nature Called...

Richy's had no power!
photo courtesy of Scott "Ansel Adams" Stevens

...and when she did she flooded the switchboards, clogged our driving arteries and dropped a big f*ckin log on our dreams of anointing Richy’s Pub n Grub’s Grand Opening with The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails' own particular brand of vicious dirty martini rock and swanky splendor. Sorry, I know I promised that the weather could not possibly deter us from rocking, but I lied. I’ve also lied about my height on several occasions, so what?
 
Stay tuned to see when Richy’s is rescheduled. Meanwhile, next up on the calendar is Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill on Friday the 19th.
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Snow Blows

Buried in snowIt freezes our fingers and seriously impacts our pool parties, but that doesn’t mean that we go into hibernation like that punk-ass groundhog and shiver under a log till the daffodils bloom. True, we do enter a semi-catatonic state…  but that in no way affects our ability to rip the heart out of a Friday night, guzzle its blood and spit said blood back into a blood-thirsty audience…  thirsty for real raw rock!!!  Sure, that may be a bit over-the-top, but let’s face it, so are The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails!

So be there! Get yer ass to Sue’s Sunset House in Peekskill this Friday the 19th and be ready to sacrifice your body, brain and dignity to appease the Sun Goddess and help her thaw this ice cap crap with heat-generating wild gyrations!

And if you miss that for some ridiculous reason like you’re having a baby or shaving your cat, you can catch the band in all it’s gory glory the following weekend, Friday the 26th, at the Grand-frikkin-Opening of the newly revampired Richy’s Pub n Grub (formerly "The End Zone") in the Miranda Plaza in Cortlandt Manor (or Putnam Valley, if you believe Google or Panda Garden's take-out menu).

That's here:
Map of Richy's Pub & Grub

Finally, best wishes go out to our master of super-soused sound, Dickie Mellonball, whose recent back surgery has left him temporarily out of commission and has left the rest of the band temporarily stumbling around buzzed on his codeine prescription. Feel better, brother! We are!
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Don't Fear the Cheer!

Come out and kiss 2009 on the behind as your favorite band of pie-eyed pipers torches up the Sunset House in Peekskill like faulty lights on a dried up Xmas tree!

Is that a carrot in your pocket or are you happy to see me?

This is it - the last show of the first decade of the century... and we’re pulling out all the slops. Join The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails for a holiday to remember to forget!

This Friday, December 18th, starting at 10.

With very special guests: The Luscious Lushes Go-Go-Dancers and, appearing as himself, world-famous Elvis tribute artist, Michael Vegas!
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Got Wood?

Which way would you want your wood pointing? North, of course.

Bar at Northwood InnYou are cordially invited to pour yourself into none other than Ziggy’s world-famous Northwood Inn, Friday December 4th, as The Cocktails branch out and headline their first-ever full show at this tasty Mahopac tavern. We’ve played there before as guests of our beloved Barfly Orchestra, but this is our moment in the sun! (Okay, it’s kinda dark in there, but you get the idea.) We need a good showing that night, so you bring the asses, we’ll bring the axes, deal?

Michael VegasAnd joining the band in a very special live performance is the immortal Michael Vegas. And you thought rockabilly just left the building!

Also, much grattitude to all those who came out and shook it on down for both shows this past weekend. If we can get you back out to the Northwood, we promise that the one and only "Foxy" Roxy Von Popov will personally pummell you with primitive love!

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The Band Flips the Bird

Time again to turn that turk around and stuff her like you mean it as the Cocktails give thanks to the Gods of Rock with two, yes, two shows in one glorious weekend.

Flyer for the 11/20 gig

First, get ready to put the gorge in gorgeous as the LGC returns this Friday, November 20th, to Sue’s Sunset House to offer themselves to the hungry fans who undoubtedly would like nothing more than to tear apart our collective carcass and consume our flesh (wait, which frikkin' holiday is this?).

Then, it’s back for seconds on Sunday the 22nd at the German American Club from 2-9 as we join the cute-as-a-button, but decidedly un-toilet trained Hey Baby to celebrate another year of the only paper that matters in New York – More Sugar.  Come out as we tip our hats, cups, bartenders, and take off our shirts to the Prince of Pulp – Tom O’Reilly, with a BIG assist to Contessa of Cool - Karen Collins.

The Luscious Lushes will be there to whip the crowd (literally) into a frothy frenzy, and if that’s not enough to lure SOME of you 18,000 alleged readers out, how about a well-placed kick in the giblets?
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Howloween with the Cocktails

Poster for the 10/16 gig

And this one, not used. For in-house comedy only:
Cross-eyed lady poster
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Big Stiff Cocktails, The Crawling Eye and Things that go Dump in the Night

Only some birds in a gilded cage.... Yes, little prawns of Satan, there is much floating in the Devils’ Punchbowl this month. First of all, Halloween comes early (usually it has much more staying power) with a wicked weekend of dual-action, ghoul-action, fire and brimstone gin-stoned rawk!

First The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails light it up this upcoming Friday the 16th at Sue’s Sunset House in PeeksKILL, featuring the long-awaitedScared Stiffs Halloween poster return of those voluptuous voodoo priestesses, The Luscious Lushes! Girls got new go-go boots and they’re gonna dance all over you.

Then Sunday the world’s greatest undead live act belches forth from the grave to scare the pants off every girl within 3.7 miles: The Scared Stiffs return to decimate and desecrate Terror Tom O’Reilly’s own More Sugar Halloween Smash.

In related band news, Dr. Harvè Bangwaller had his crawling eye popped out and replaced by a newer, shinier one. Spooky eyeWord is he’s recovering not-so-nicely and will stare a hole through you if you don’t buy him a drink on Friday. Wood eye?! Harelip! (very, very old joke)

Goth Babies Then in other band-related news (literally) Chris from the Stiffs and his lovely lady Arlene popped out perfect twins this past Wednesday. Zane and ‘Nova, welcome to the world! I’ll drink to that! Although nurses were apparently shocked that the babies arrived with black nail polish....

Speedy recovery all and get some sleep Chris and Harvè - we got gigs this week! (see above)
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Hair of the Dog with The LGC!

Two happy students of LGC High
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Going down brown

The Brown TornadoSt. Pauli Dangerousli, a.k.a. The Bastard of Bed-Sty, a.k.a. The Janitor, a.k.a. The Rascal from Ridgewood, a.k.a Eaglebird Humperdink, et. al., is cleaning house, so to speak. The man with 1000 colorful names is narrowing it all down to… brown.
 
Ladies of the Evening and Men of Ill Repute, we give you The Brown Tornado. Yes, it’s official -- we’re all down with the Brown. So from here on out, Pauli - the category five of flailing feet, the vicious vortex of villainous verisimilitude, the rum-running, swath-cutting, skin-slapper will be known henceforth as simply The Brown Tornado.
 
To celebrate this most murky event, we’ll be downing and drowning in brown liquor like our grandfathers at Sue's Sunset House on July 17th. Wear something brown and you just might be earning extra brownie points from The Luscious Lushes, who return in full splendor to tempt revellers off their asses and on to the dance floor -- to get brown and get down!
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Spring Cleaning


Backstage at the New York Dolls show, David Johannsen begged Roxy for a photo op.
 
Otto Wino discovers boxed wine and wonders if it comes coffin-sized.
 
Stewed Driver scours Englishtown in search of the next perfect posi-rear.
 
Pauli Dangerously eases into Downward Dog position and reemerges four days later.

Harvé Bangwaller stops the world, and melts with Hugh.
 
Dickie Mellonball nurses his ears and develops an unhealthy attraction to Hannah Montana.
 
The LGC will raise the bar (and then close it) May 15th at Sue’s Sunset House and then sizzle their lilywhite tavern tans in actual sunlight when they play the Putnam Valley Town Day, Saturday May 23rd from 1:00 - ? Live music all day! Featuring The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails, The Barfly Orchestra, Hey Baby and more! Leonard Wagner Memorial Park, Oscawana Lake Road. Benefits the Putnam Valley Dog Shelter and the Putnam Valley Food Pantry: bring canned goods, etc. Refreshments, farmers market, volleyball, art for kids. And did we mention LIVE MUSIC! ALL DAY!
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LGC = SRO

“Heard you burned the place down!” – Dino Fregosi, Rock Legend.
 
Standing room only! This past Friday, the Cocktails packed the Sunset House to its whiskey–soaked rafters. We’re talkin’ Fire Marshall-jammed. Even with all the girls up on the tables, there wasn’t room to shake your thangs without shakin’ into someone else’s.
Pub crawlers on the way to Sunset House
Then the pub-crawlers showed up. Two buses full of St. Patty’s Parade Party People, complete with the Grand Damn Marshall. And speaking of spontaneous combustion, the spur-of-the-moment, molotovic Cocktails jam with Captain Bagpipes blew the place out. Thanks to all who didn’t vomit on our equipment!
 
Next up, a gracious invite from More Sugar Master Tom O’Reilly to play one sexy set sandwiched betwixt his Barfly Orchestra at the nicer than nice Northwood Inn this Saturday Night! No cover. Be there at 10 for a full night of booze-themed band rock!
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Make it a double!

THE COCKTAILS START FLOWING EARLY
ON FRIDAY THE 13TH!


The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails @ Sunset House

This Friday the 13th, the LGC are gonna get stuporstitious! We're packing up our gear and rabbit’s feet to play two, two, two shows in one day. 

First, a rare daytime benefit show for veterans at VA Hudson Valley Healthcare System, Montrose Campus.

“God I love the smell of vodka in the morning!”

Then we’re dragging our black cat bones to our home away from the asylum -- Sue's Sunset House in Peekskill -- for a MARATHON booze-fueled luckfest! Take note Cocktail lovers: we’re starting early --  NINE O’CLOCK -- and going till the last table dancer topples over.

Also for your added enjoyment, the triumphant return of that tantilizing trio of tasty temptresses, the Luscious Lushes Go-Go Dancers!

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This Friday

... thrill to the death-defying, buzz-supplying sexploits of America's most inebriated rocknroll upstarts, The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails!

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Damn You, Mother Nature!


Brrrr....Bitch screwed us again with her sub-zero temps. That’s two straight Sunset shows cancelled ‘cause of her frigid, fickle ways. Apologies to anyone who came out and braved the cold and didn’t get the emergency e-mail in time. We promise we’ll make it up to you if it’s the last thing we do. 

(And it just might be.)

The band @ Arlene's

Meanwhile we did storm Arlene’s Grocery in the city on Sunday and raised a rukus as well as raising a bunch of cash in a benefit for the Abingdon Theater Company’s production of Greek Holiday. Fun was had by all, even though pastrami was only had by some in a post-show pigout at Katz’s famous deli. Viva La Meat Bomb!

The wall at Katz's

Harvé points out the culprit.
Harvé points out the culprit.
“YOU! You’re the one who stuck this mike in my eye!”

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Snow Blown

Snow on the PosterWell, that’s what we get for poking fun at Rudolph’s drinking problem -- the Storm of the Century! That sucker blew in and iced what promised to be a show of enormous holiday proportion.

But have no fear, Sugar Plums! We’re revving the whole shebang back up again, January 16th at 10 pm, with the LGC Ghost of Christmas Passed Spectacular at Sues’s Sunset House in Peekskill.

Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole - THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!

It’ll be like the holidays came and went and came again! Pass the tissues!

And then, even before you’ve had a chance to clean the reindeer droppings offa your Go-Go boots, we make a triumphant return to Arlene’s Grocery in NYC, as part of a triple-header to benefit the Abingdon Theatre Company’s production of Greek Holiday (which will feature none other than Mrs. Bangwaller). That’s two days later, January 18th, from 5 - 8 pm. Also on the bill: D’Haene and The Mighty Weaklings.
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Rudolph With Your Nose So Bright... You Really Need More Scotch Tonight?

Ever wonder about that? Why was Rudoph’s nose so bright? Was he really best choice for Santa’s designated driver?Reindeer (Guess Blitzen’s DUI’s finally caught up with him.)

Anyho, ho, ho....

Time to rev up all our reindeer drinking games again, hang mistletoe in all the most strategic positions (beltbuckles) and rock your stockings off in the holliest, jolliest way we know how... by dropping our Xmas Yule Log Rock Show on Sues’s Sunset House (December 19th @ 10 pm).

Featuring the return of Mai Tai Mike on guest guitar and as always, of course... the nicest, naughtiest group of gift-wrapped Go-Go dancers to ever melt a North Pole -- THE LUSCIOUS LUSHES!
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For Amber Waves
   of Grain (Alcohol)...

Hear that? That’s the sound of the Nation marching to a whole new beat. But if the drummer behind that beat happens to be St. Pauly Dangerously (aka The Brown Tornado), then Nation, you better hope you’re marching upwind of that particular beat.
f-arting
Now that the election is over and our hangovers are dissipating (You try playing an election night drinking game where you have to do a shot every time somebody says “too close to call”) it’s time to transition from  Barack n Roll back to plain old Rock n Roll with renewed vigor. And that’s a campaign promise the LGC intends to keep! We’ll be playing our usual home away from home, Sue’s Sunset House, on Friday, November 21, but then a mere two days later, we’re honored to be playing More Sugar’s 15th Anniversary Party on Sunday, November 23rd. Details are sketchy as of now, but then again, so are we.
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Drink Up, Throw Down, Throw Up

What a freakin weekend! Back-to-back gigs, hand-to-hand combat and lip-to-lip locking. Friday at Sue’s and Saturday at the Jim Mill. Thanks again to Sloe Jim Fizz and Nancy for being bold enough to let the Cocktails pour into their party and pound our sound down the throats of their unsuspecting friends and neighbors.

Meanwhile the LGC are busy planning their costumes and calendars around the return of The Scared Stiffs — rising from the grave for two nights of bone-chilling, flesh-eating Halloween fun. Whoever said “rock is dead” must have just come from a show creature-featuring these guys!



Oh yeah, may we once again recommend  the latest LGC libation below — THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE. Never has a more disgusting cocktail been more appropriate for a holiday — seriously, this thing looks like a pavement oyster suspended in formaldehyde... ENJOY!

1 oz Peach Schnapps
1 tsp Bailey's Irish Cream
2 drops Grenadine

Pour the Peach Schnapps into a large shot glass. Slowly add the Bailey's and top with the grenadine.

Oh, by the way (shssssh), Mystery Gig in November....
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Atom Smashed

A Toast!

A Lifesize Gorgeous Toast  to the newly revved-up giant Swiss Proton Beam Particle Collider which will either:

  1. Finally reveal the deep dark mysterious origins of the genesis of our planet
  2. Open up matter-eating black holes which will ultimately destroy our planet.



At this point, either outcome is sort of okay with us. If it is truly the beginning of the end, then we leave you with these delectable shots of the gang at Otto’s Birthday Bash a couple of weeks ago, where atom-smashing and sour mashing coexisted in equal measure.




But if the only black hole in our future is Sarah Palin’s, then by god get your ass to the next Sunset House gig in Peekskill, Friday, September 19th. That’s back to FRIDAYS. Take note Calendar Girls!



And if we somehow manage to cling to our mortal coils beyond that, there’s The Scared Stiff’s own Chris Laubis’ annual Birthday Crusade happening (and we mean happening) at Seany B’s in Millbrook, NY on October 11th. Bands sharing the stage with The LGC are slinky voodude rockers Black Cat Xing and rode-hard-and-put-way-wet journeymen, Steel Rodeo.

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Besotted Otto

Thanks to the fearless faithful who turned out in hurricane force for Otto’s Birthday Smash. The grass skirts were shakin’, the floorboards were quakin’, the nubbins were achin’ and the meat of choice was... chicken. The LGC and special guests The Scared Stiffs tore it up and drank it down till dawn with a party and an afterbash which none will soon forget, but all have actually blanked out on already due to a particularly potent post-party punch.



Next up - a private party that’s so private that to tell you it’s location would mean certain death... so we’ll just leave it at that. Cheers!

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Stewed Da Baker

Stewed and the Charger

If you’re going DUI, you might as well DIY in style — with a 383 six pak powered, 500 horse ’66 Dodge Charger boasting a worked 727 torque flite trans and a 3:91 posi rear. (Plenty of grunt to blow up any skirt!) Here’s Stewed gearing his ride up for Otto’s Birthday Bash at The Sunset House in Peekskill on Saturday, August 23rd, featuring the steamy return of our very own Goddesses of Gyration: The Luscious Lushes.

Stewed and the ChargerStewed and the ChargerStewing

ALSO a rare rumored-to-be-true reemergence of those Bad Boys of the Boneyard — The Scared Stiffs!

Be there or beware!

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Time Flies
When You're Having Rum

May blends into June blends into July blends into… a devilish Caribe concoction of lost weekends and forgotten fortnights (that’s Brit for two-week black-outs).

Summer’s swinging and the blender’s getting more action than an Army Base Liquor Store Hooker. All of which leads us to the evil pleasures of Rum -- the cheap, murky mistress of mariners worldwide.Goodly Amounts of Rum Makes for Shrunken Heads

While some members of our favorite band, like “Bosun” Brown Tornado, strictly follow Captain Morgan off the plank, others like Otto prefer the landscape-erasing, tsunami effects of a fine Jamaican White Overproof. Stewed, of course enjoys his Mount Gay.

Whatever your pleasure, rum’s no fun unless it’s imbibed in true witch doctor fashion -- mixed with several other paralyzing poisons of the central nervous system, some fresh fruit, and served in what else? A handsomely horrific Tiki mug!

So da doo rum rum until you da don’t no more! And do stay tuned -- the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are taking July to learn new songs to unleash on the unsuspecting masses August 23rd (Otto’s Birthday!) at the Sunset House in Peekskill.

Okole Maluna!
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Highballs and Lowlifes

Roxy & OttoThe LGC emerged from their May mini-tour smelling like a rose....

A rose that smelled like it was watered with stale beer for a month.

A rose where all the petals have been ripped off in a violent "they love us, they love us not" contest.

By the way -- consensus is they love us, but we all know love is a prickly thing.


Anyway, here are our top seven May Magic Moments:

1. Mai Tai Mike’s face-melting special guest guitar appearance on the Foghat version of “I Just Want To Make Love To You.” Look for more of that!

2. Mike and Andrea showing up at Seany B’s and smiling the whole damn time.

3. A floor full of ten-year-olds momentarily paralyzed by the power of rock.

4. Sloe Jim Fizz guest-starring on a Yardbirds romp, dragging notes out of his harp like a caveman in love.

5. The Manhattan Mamapalooza Project -- no DUI’s!

Mai Tai Mike and Stewed6. The Return of the Lady in White, who graced us once again with her spastic cosmic hump-and-grind.

7. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken power amp, we thank our friends who never fail  to come out and see us whenever they can. We owe you a drink!



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Mixing it up in Millbrook

A fabulous poster inviting you to see The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails at Seany B's 101 on 5/31!
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Cocktails Pound Manhattan

The LGC took NYC by storm on Friday, literally, as the band’s first foray to the Big Appletini was watered way down by a biblical-type deluge. Still, the Cocktails managed to burn Arlene’s Grocery down to the ground  with a flaming mini-set that called down the thunder from the sky, then sent it back, citing insufficient postage.

The LGC at Arlene's Grocery

Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.

Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!

Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!

“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”

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Full Moon Fever

She WAS wearing white....What is it about that big old silver rock in the sky that draws all the crazy critters out of the swamp? This past Friday night the She-Devil Brigade was out in full force vexing shocked onlookers with their hip-shakin’, back-breakin’ voodoothatyoudo dance moves.

Special thanks to the mysterious Lady in White, who repeatedly flashed the crowd before devouring some hapless (yet happy) mustachioed man on the dance floor, right before our bloodshot bewildered eyes.

(Editor’s Note – next time you bring out the Twin Milkmaids, make sure you face the band. We’re the ones working for it, for God's sake!)
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April Showers bring Whiskey Sours

Whiskey SourThe Whiskey Sour is a famous mixed drink that originally featured an unholy cacophony of ingredients – bourbon whiskey, lemon juice, sugar and a yes, Rocky fans - dash of egg white. Initiate gag reflex sequence now. Interesting side note - it’s also famous for being Otto’s introduction to the Wonderful World of Wasted! Seems Otto’s old Uncle Salty thought it would be hilarious to see the wee tween slip around the sloop in a slick of his own vomit. Let the good times roll, Salty!

But hey, we all forgive and forget (except for Otto, who “accidentally” ran his Uncle Salty through with a rusty gaff in 1985) and we’re willing to now accept Whiskey Sours (sans embryo and Pixie Stix Mix) temporarily back into the LGC's officially sanctioned Cocktail Corner. Which brings us somewhat awkwardly to promoting the next Sunset House Show on April 18. We’re counting down the weeks, the days and the sours till the next time we have the honor to rock for you!
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The Shakes

The Big BucksSorry it’s been a while -- rehab’s a bitch. Last week’s back-to-back shows at The Sunset and Seany B’s went spectacularly (is that a word?) and special thanks to Chris and all the bands who shared the bill. But like all good alkies, we needed to dry out for a day or two. Three days max. Stewed Chokes It


Luckily we had a lot of other diversions to fill our time -- like fitful sleep, Easter candy orgies, paranoid delusions and uh... crap, there must be something else... oh yeah, The Shakes!


The Good Dr. BangwallerBut now we’re back off the wagon and better than ever. Matter of fact, we’re channeling all our new found, recently-lubricated creative energy into crafting the finest LGC show yet-- which we plan to unleash on the unsuspecting girl-on-girl-grinding public Friday April 18th at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Be present or The Brown Tornado will personally visit you at work and blow ill wind in your general direction, which I assure you, is most unpleasant.



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Good Friday Gone Bad

Aye, it's the Stewechaun, here to lead yer to a pot o' whiskey! St. Patty’s Day is coming up. It’s almost upon us. And by that I mean the oceans of green-tinted puke that will almost certainly soak your shoes, car, and dog, should you decide to venture forth from the relative safety of your home this upcoming Monday the 17th. Here’s an alternate plan -- store up your thirst for a couple of extra days and come out swinging to Peekskill’s Sunset House on Good Friday Gone Bad, Friday the 21st. It’s a Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails show you’ll never forget... until the next day of course, when you also won’t be able to remember how you got home or how you ended up with a Shetland pony in your bathtub.

Then (provided we all survive) we’re draggin’ our collective rock-hard glutes up to Seany B’s in Millbrook the next night, Saturday the 22nd, where the LGC keep the Guinness Express rolling -  taking part in a Poptown Records extravagasm, with international songman Michael Weston King and  two other shit-kicking bands.

4 Band Rock & Roll Party Extravaganza!

Erin Go Braless!

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Love Sick

The Ultimate Cocktails

Sometimes the glass is half full and sometimes the glass is knocked out of your hand by a sauced sociopath “dancing” to a Deep Purple tune.

Our VD gig fell somewhere in the middle, with the Asian BirdSwine flu wiping out two-thirds of The Luscious Lushes and invading our perfect bodies as well. The result was a rare Lushless event complete with a ton of tissues and a performance that can only be described as “classic.”

Next up -- a Friday March 21st post-St. Patrick’s celebration at The Sunset House in Peekskill (just keep drinking and you won’t notice it’s four days later), followed by the band’s triumphant return to Seany B’s in Millbrook, supporting Poptown Records' own international recording artist and UK’s favorite troubadour, Michael Weston King. Details to follow.

If we don’t see you at one of these shows, Stewed will personally come to your house and narrow your broadband.
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Love means never having to say you’re wasted

Come to the Sunset House, 2/15/08!

Uh, oh -- it’s that time of year again when Cupid loads his bow and goes gunning for the lonely and unattached. Love is in the air, chocolate’s in the box and the edible undies are flying off the shelves. Come fishing for your soul mate this Friday, February 15th at The Sunset House in Peekskill when the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails take the stage and spread the love like flu through a pre-school.

Or, if you're already sporting a soul mate, bring him/her to the show, as we will be whipping up a legendary pheremone gumbo for your grinding pleasure.

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Wanted. Sort of.

Wanted: Dead or Alive (Dead is really okay, though)

Have you seen this guy?

Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.

Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.

It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.

Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).

So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.

And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”

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Chill with the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails

Chill with The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails at The Sunset House on 1/18!

Our latest poster and eflyer.
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The Toast of Christmas Past

Ho.Ho.Ho.

Plushie SlushieCrushie

If you somehow missed the LGC at The Sunset House on Friday, you are almost certain to be rewarded Christmas morn with a lump of coal-sized kidney stone. The merriment that occured was legendary. Once again The Luscious Lushes stole the show -- dolled up as delectible, candy-coated, devil daughters of Vixen.

All eyes were on Plushie, Slushie, and Crushie as bar patrons of both sexes strained to feel the fur trim the table dancers had to offer.

The Band, of course churned out electric rock like Santa’s Workshop on a three week meth bender.

Stewed & Otto Harvé
Pauli Roxy & Stewed

Holiday highlights included a molten version of "Run Run Rudolph" and a Ventures medley featuring our own DickieSound Manaschevitz Dickie Mellonball on bass. A full night of sonic erotica!

Pauli's 1-Man WaveAlso, special thanks to Shopkeeper Sue for whipping up the best Espresso Martinis this side of the North Pole. To Diamond Dirk (The Legend) Pidgeon for extra muscle and continued support. To smarmy agent Jeff Valley and (that was) Cole for the love and hustle, and to all our new and old friends who shook the room like a freakin’ snow globe.

Roxy & PlushieNow on to sleep mode. (Translation - sleep, rehab, learning new songs) We’ll be back at The Sunset House January 18th, 2008. Until then, drink up, lie down and keep checkin’ back for updates.

Rumor of the Week -  Someone’s ex got Blitzened and headed south to the wrong pole.


The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails

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Drink the Grog. Burn the Log.

The Cocktails have been bad. Real bad. They’ve played great, yes, but they’ve been extra naughty. Particularly singer Stewed Driver, who’s particular brand of badness is illegal in fourteen states. Also on the naughty list is drummer St. Pauli Dangerously, aka The Brown Tornado -- who’s blown around nothing but evil wind for months. Consequently, the only thing Santa’s dropping on us this year is a frozen turd.

All of which means, we need your love. Desperately. Come out to the Sunset House in Peekskill on December 21st and show us your love. Feel free to show us everything else, too. Fa-la-la-la-la!

It’s the Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails last show of 2007 and we’re going out with a bang -- a full-on yuletide garage rock thrill ride complete with the solid gold stylings of Santa’s sexiest little helpers -- the always lap-warming Luscious Lushes. Be there!

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Filthy Pilgrims, Sexy Squaws

The band

Thanksgiving came six days early as the LGC Plymouth-rocked The Sunset House this past Friday eve. Not only was there a cornucopia of Cocktail loyalists dancing their collective asses off, but a whole new crop of pie-eyed pioneers came out to witness the spectacle, too.

Thanks of course to everyone, but the big Thanksgiving Drumstick of Love goes out to Plushie, Slushie and Crushie Lush, whose hips (and skimpy outfits) brought fire from the sky and whipped up a gravy none will soon forget.

Plushie Lush Slushie Lush Crushie Lush


And check out the gallery of new photos from the gig! (More Lush-shots and even some of the band!)

Next up - private party on December 1st at Putnam Valley's German American Club and then Hot Shots in Newtown, CT on December 7th - a day which will live in infamy.

Hot Shots Grille logo

Rumor of the week - St. Pauli Dangerously's EMT training saved his own ass Friday night....

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Seafaring Tragedy
(show goes on)


HamIn case you hadn’t heard, our own Otto Wino met with an unfortunate fishing accident last weekend off the coast of Nova Scotia. Seems the great white he was trying to gaff whipped around and tore off a substantial chunk of Otto’s foot before escaping into the dark depths.
Rum pour

Unfazed, Otto cauterized the wound with a hot knife and a fifth of overproof Jamaican rum. The accident was unfortunate, but the rum sacrifice a true tragedy.

Nevertheless, this Friday’s gig at Peekskill’s Sunset House will go on despite Otto’s hobbled state. Although he has vowed to rock in an upright position, the band is adamant that he not bleed to death (on stage anyway) and may force him to rock seated. Come witness this new unravelling drama, plus the glory and the power of all that is LGC, and for God’s sake, please help Otto carry something at some point during the night.


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Rumor no more!

After submission of the results of our latest physicals, the LGC is confirmed for our Connecticut debut at the


in Newtown on December 7th!

Hot Shots on 130 Mt Pleasant Rd.

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Raucus Roll!

Chris & ArleneIf you missed Chris’s B-Day bash at Seany B’s in Millbrook, you missed an unforgettable night (which is weird, because I forget most of it). Scraps of memory include blurry visions of extreme rock ‘n roll excess, free-flowing booze, gifts, cameras, lesbian kisses and -- courtesy of Arlene (Her Highness of Master-Baking) -- a Lifesize Gorgeous Dragon cake that tried to eat ME. Oh, and viciously good sets from Chris’s cherry-picked band of go-to gunslingers, as well as the rode-hard-and-put-away-wet real fuckin’ deal, Steel Rodeo.

The LG Cocktails, of course, Roxy looks leftburned like a thousand suns until they flamed out in a sonic supernova of monitorless magma that somehow, but not unexpectedly, included Dino.

Special thanks to Johnny and Thea from JV Productions for getting us lubed up at the pre-party party and to Plushie and Gary for putting us up (and putting up with us) at Club Bubble. And to all our friends who show up all the time -- you know we love you!

Next up – THE SUNSET HOUSE in Peekskill on November The LGC (right side only)16th.  Every third Friday of every month - we’re there, so you be there. There, there…

Then, get your ghoul on and go see The Scared Stiffs (featuring LGC’s own Otto Wino) Saturday October 27 at the spookiest Stompfest of all – Frankenstein’s Fortress in Stanfordville, NY.

NOTE: New photos up from the October 5th Sunset House and October 13th Seany B's shows.

RUMOR OF THE WEEK
– The LifeSize Gorgeous Cocktails crack Connecticut for the first time when they (allegedly) might appear at Hot Shots in Newtown on December 7th -- a day that doesn’t necessarily need any extra infamy, but we’ll be more than glad to provide it.
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Booze? Music? Birthdays?

The LGC at Seany B's 101 on Oct 13!No reason to skip the orgy of unearthly delights happening this Saturday at Seany B’s up in Millbrook. It’s Chris’ b-day and he’s Scared Stiff with excitement! There’s gonna be great tunes and tasty brew flowing all night long.... We even hear there’s gonna be midget-juggling bears on unicycles with a wolverine shaving contest happening later in the evening. Winner gets to keep Chris chained to the radiator in their basement for a year! (Don’t worry -- he eats very little: just keep his water bowl filled with beer.)

But
come early! The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are doing their thing at 8ish – a one-set sex assault on your senses before releasing the stage to the other amazing bands for sloppy seconds and thirds. Bring wetnaps!

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Ears ringing...  livers screaming... people buzzing...

Done -- a  three-gig weekend. Over and out.

The Fallen Biker Benefit was cool. Thanks to Jason Gisser for the impeccable sound and a Few Good Men MC for being great hosts and for not beating us to death with pool cues.

The Dino Fregosi Experience was everything an out-of-control, decadent excuse for rock 'n’ roll excess should be. What happened at the Claddagh stays at the Claddagh. Special thanks to Chris Laubis from The Scared Stiffs for making it all happen. If anybody found our bag full of t-shirts, let us know.

Sunday’s Mahopac Gazebo gig was very... bright. Daytime’s a bitch, but all had a good time. Hair-of-the-dog-stuck-to-some-cotton-candy is the best way to describe it. Shout outs to Scooby-Doo, for the sexy-as-you-can-imagine stripper routine during whatever song we were playing.

See you all at The Sunset House this Friday October 5th and then in Millbrook at Seany B's 101 on the 13th.  That appears for the moment to be the last one for October, as we take some time to learn some new songs and replenish out liquor supplies.

Requests? Drop us a line.
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A Regular Appearance AND the Metamucil Puzzle Winner!

Tidbits were dropped, but only one took the line. The "Metamucil" entry contained hints to our own big catch: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails has been asked to perform the third Friday of each month (thus the "Metamucil" and "regularity" reference) at the Sunset House (didja notice the photo of the "House at Sunset"?).

The winner of our unannounced contest is a Mr. or Ms. S. Rarfell of Putnam Valley. Congrats to the winner of a solo lapdance from our own "Foxy" Roxy (she of the very beautiful lips and teeth)! May you two find bliss -- or your ways to our monthly gig at the Sunset House, at least!
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Three Gigs in 24 hours!

Let the binge begin!

September 29, 6:30 pm
     Benefit for Fallen Bikers
     Eagle's Hall, Ossining, NY
     7 Old Albany Post Rd

September 29, 9:30 pm-ish
     The Claddagh Bar & Grill, Mahopac, NY
     925 Route 6
     (914) 734-4192

September 30, 1:30 pm
     Mahopac Chamber Community Park
     Downtown Mahopac
     Route 6N and Sycamore Rd

Yow
zah!
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Holy Metamucil, Batman!

Could we be getting our dose of The LGC with regularity?


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Beyond Sunset

Otto Goes WildA big thanks to everyone who dragged their collective ass down to The Sunset House in Peekskill Friday night. A most memorable night to say the least!

As if booty-shakin’ babes dancing on wobbly tables wasn’t enough, a surprise special guest appearance by the legendary local singer/ frontman/madman, Dino Fregosi, took it to the next level, which could best be described as total reckless chaotic abandon!

The end of the night saw Dino, Roxy, Stewed and the delicious Plushie Lush sharing a mic with The Scared Stiff's bass-thumping ghoul-gone-wild Chris Laubis before the whole thing basically burst into flames.

Otto and DinoDino had so much fun that he invited LGC to open up for his ever-popular Dino and the Missiles next Saturday night (9/29) at The Claddagh in Mahopac at 10.

For those following along, that’s three gigs in 24 hours this upcoming weekend for the Cocktails, beginning with The Fallen Biker Benefit at 6:30 at Eagle's Hall (7 Old Albany Post Rd, Ossining, NY) and winding up at the gazebo in Mahopac Chamber Community Park (Corner of Routes 6 and 6N, Downtown Mahopac) at 1:30 pm. Hope to see you at one or all of ‘em. We’ll be the ones on stage -- with the guitars, drums and stuff...

Harvé does his thingOn a separate note - we raise and drain our glasses to the meanest pianist we know, Harvé Bangwaller, who not only survived his first LGC gig, but made it sing. Thanks, Harvé -- we may even reconsider not posting those embarrassing post-gig cheesecake shots of you, too.

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The Sweet Spot

Ahhh, the tink, tink, tinkle of the cubes is sweet music to our ears, the perfect percussive element to compliment The Venture’s “Diamondhead”  on the hi-fi. The dog daze nights of summer are back and Likker the dog is dozing mightily by the open screen door. It’s the quiet before the storm...  the storm being The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails debut gig at the Sunset House in Peekskill on Friday September 21st.  Not to be confused of course with the storm that nearly blew us off the boat at Crystal Bay last month. Sorry again to those who showed post-deluge to find us gone, but electrocution was not on our calendar that day. 
 
We’ll make it up to you if it’s the last goddamn thing we do! Drop by the Sunset House (a delicious bar of ill repute) on September 21st at 137 N. Water St. and raise your glasses to help us ring in whatever needs to be rung. We’ll be ones on stage wearing the guitars and stuff. Now, where’s my refill?

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Another gig!

We've got our nuggets in the Palmolive prepping for this one.

Seany B Birthday Party Bash
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See? I Tole You!

We've got another booking! On September 21st we'll be playing at the Sunset House, 137 North Water St in Peekskill, NY! Usual 10 p.m. start. Click the map for directions.

Sunset House doesn't seem to have a logo online, so here's a map.

We'll also be performing on September 30 on the gazebo in Lake Mahopac during the big Whatchamacallit Festival. Start time approximately 1:30 p.m. Details to follow when someone 'splains it to me better. Bring the kids! (We'll try not to scare them too much....)
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Rainy Days and Mondays....

Sadly, Friday night's performance at Crystal Bay was cancelled due to inclement weather. A storm blew in as we were setting up and soaked the boat. And when they closed the bar...!

We apologize to our friends and fans and hope to have something new lined up soon!
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