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THE STRAIGHT UP

Three shows. One weekend. Livers somewhat intact.

 
1-man waveWhat a weekend! First, the band let loose at the Spruce on Friday and drank more beer than a small army of Irish Wolfhounds.
 
Then onto Woofstock, where the band rocked n' rolled in some crap it found on the lawn. You ain’t seen nothing til you’ve experience hot Yorkie on Chocolate Lab action. Thanks again to the electric blues boys of Blue Mozart, who provided the LGC with stellar sound, and a special you-make-me-wanna-shout-out to Not Fade Away, who greased the crowd for us with their timely timeless rock n roll classics.
 
Later that night... The Rusty Trombones blew into Rubens in Peekskill for their maiden gig and despite the cramped quarters, everyone had a reach-around great time. Again, a round of thank yous to everybody who dragged themselves out for one last musical act in a weekend full of musical acts. Look for the next Rusty ‘Bones show at the Peekskill Coffee House, September 11th from 8 til 10 – not 24 hours after the almighty Scared Stiffs open up their hearts and veins once again for the hungry hordes at The Northwood, with Dino and the Hostages!

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You Say You Want a Resolution…

...well, you… no! Not making any. ‘Cause every time we end up not only breaking them, but chopping them up into little pieces and burying them in a shallow grave. And then we feel guilty. Like the time we vowed to give up drinking rum after we woke up to find ourselves naked and duct-taped to the bow of a fishing boat like a fleshy mermaid. Or that time we crossed tequila off our list after that Disney World “incident” involving Snow White and Papa Smurf. It may be a small world, but it’s a huge legal expense. Oh, and what about that Octoberfest that lasted till Decemberfest? Stewed still has an accordian lodged in the nether-crevices of his lederhosen.

And the band played on, despite the large grains of noise engulfing them.

So to save ourselves the guilt and embarrassment of not living up to some stupid goals, we’re promising ourselves jack-bodiddly. But we do promise you, our besotted battalions of friends and fans, that we will be back in February with a renewed sense of wreckless rock (and driving) and the vow that we will make 2010 the most bestest year to ever follow 2009! We promise.

Cross our eyes and hope to die.
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Got Wood?

Which way would you want your wood pointing? North, of course.

Bar at Northwood InnYou are cordially invited to pour yourself into none other than Ziggy’s world-famous Northwood Inn, Friday December 4th, as The Cocktails branch out and headline their first-ever full show at this tasty Mahopac tavern. We’ve played there before as guests of our beloved Barfly Orchestra, but this is our moment in the sun! (Okay, it’s kinda dark in there, but you get the idea.) We need a good showing that night, so you bring the asses, we’ll bring the axes, deal?

Michael VegasAnd joining the band in a very special live performance is the immortal Michael Vegas. And you thought rockabilly just left the building!

Also, much grattitude to all those who came out and shook it on down for both shows this past weekend. If we can get you back out to the Northwood, we promise that the one and only "Foxy" Roxy Von Popov will personally pummell you with primitive love!

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The Band Flips the Bird

Time again to turn that turk around and stuff her like you mean it as the Cocktails give thanks to the Gods of Rock with two, yes, two shows in one glorious weekend.

Flyer for the 11/20 gig

First, get ready to put the gorge in gorgeous as the LGC returns this Friday, November 20th, to Sue’s Sunset House to offer themselves to the hungry fans who undoubtedly would like nothing more than to tear apart our collective carcass and consume our flesh (wait, which frikkin' holiday is this?).

Then, it’s back for seconds on Sunday the 22nd at the German American Club from 2-9 as we join the cute-as-a-button, but decidedly un-toilet trained Hey Baby to celebrate another year of the only paper that matters in New York – More Sugar.  Come out as we tip our hats, cups, bartenders, and take off our shirts to the Prince of Pulp – Tom O’Reilly, with a BIG assist to Contessa of Cool - Karen Collins.

The Luscious Lushes will be there to whip the crowd (literally) into a frothy frenzy, and if that’s not enough to lure SOME of you 18,000 alleged readers out, how about a well-placed kick in the giblets?
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Highballs and Lowlifes

Roxy & OttoThe LGC emerged from their May mini-tour smelling like a rose....

A rose that smelled like it was watered with stale beer for a month.

A rose where all the petals have been ripped off in a violent "they love us, they love us not" contest.

By the way -- consensus is they love us, but we all know love is a prickly thing.


Anyway, here are our top seven May Magic Moments:

1. Mai Tai Mike’s face-melting special guest guitar appearance on the Foghat version of “I Just Want To Make Love To You.” Look for more of that!

2. Mike and Andrea showing up at Seany B’s and smiling the whole damn time.

3. A floor full of ten-year-olds momentarily paralyzed by the power of rock.

4. Sloe Jim Fizz guest-starring on a Yardbirds romp, dragging notes out of his harp like a caveman in love.

5. The Manhattan Mamapalooza Project -- no DUI’s!

Mai Tai Mike and Stewed6. The Return of the Lady in White, who graced us once again with her spastic cosmic hump-and-grind.

7. And, at the risk of sounding like a broken power amp, we thank our friends who never fail  to come out and see us whenever they can. We owe you a drink!



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Cocktails Pound Manhattan

The LGC took NYC by storm on Friday, literally, as the band’s first foray to the Big Appletini was watered way down by a biblical-type deluge. Still, the Cocktails managed to burn Arlene’s Grocery down to the ground  with a flaming mini-set that called down the thunder from the sky, then sent it back, citing insufficient postage.

The LGC at Arlene's Grocery

Thanks to everybody who travelled from near and far (that’s YOU, Philly gang!) to witness the event. Special thanks to Mamapalooza’s own Joy Rose and Randy “The Big Man” Bigness for mixing it all together, and cheers to all the other talent who shared the stage.

Check out the new photos on the Various Shots of 2008 page!

Next up: The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails are puttin’ the moves on -- moving to SATURDAYS at The Sunset House in Peekskill. Starting THIS Saturday the 24th for all you imbibers. Be there or beware!

“Get about as oiled as a diesel train
Gonna set this dance alight
'Cause Saturday night's the night I like
Saturday night's all right, all right, all right!”

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Wanted. Sort of.

Wanted: Dead or Alive (Dead is really okay, though)

Have you seen this guy?

Neither have we. Not for a long long time. Goes by the name of Jeff Valley, aka Subdude -- our smarmy manager.

Since he beat those morals charges and cleared up that nasty business in Venezuela, you would’ve thought he might resurface, but this shadowy figure is nowhere to found. Last week’s raid on the local motel on Rt. 6 turned up traces of his blood, two or three other people’s blood, a horribly disfigured still smoking souffle and liberal amounts of vaseline and battery acid. But the trail was cold by the time the feds kicked the door in.

It’s actually kind of a misnomer to refer to him as our manager. After all, the only work The Cocktails have ever gotten through Jeff Valley were disasterous gigs at a nursery (nothing but shrubs), a nursery school (nothing but pink eye) and a near-riot at an Al-Anon Meeting. Still, we gave him another chance -- the promise of that Superbowl Halftime gig did sound rather appealing.

Little did we realize it was all a ruse -- nothing but an excuse to get back into our good graces and into our Band Kitty (the stash, not the feline, although we wouldn’t put that past him either).

So here we are again, broke as the day we bought Harvé a keyboard, all because we put our trust in a guy that managed to run himself over with his own van. So when you see us again at The Sunset House in Peekskill on February 15th, please throw money at us, or at the very least, show us your boobies.

And if you spot Jeff Valley lurking at one of our gigs, give him the following message -- “We still love ya man, Boy George tattoo and all.”

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The Toast of Christmas Past

Ho.Ho.Ho.

Plushie SlushieCrushie

If you somehow missed the LGC at The Sunset House on Friday, you are almost certain to be rewarded Christmas morn with a lump of coal-sized kidney stone. The merriment that occured was legendary. Once again The Luscious Lushes stole the show -- dolled up as delectible, candy-coated, devil daughters of Vixen.

All eyes were on Plushie, Slushie, and Crushie as bar patrons of both sexes strained to feel the fur trim the table dancers had to offer.

The Band, of course churned out electric rock like Santa’s Workshop on a three week meth bender.

Stewed & Otto Harvé
Pauli Roxy & Stewed

Holiday highlights included a molten version of "Run Run Rudolph" and a Ventures medley featuring our own DickieSound Manaschevitz Dickie Mellonball on bass. A full night of sonic erotica!

Pauli's 1-Man WaveAlso, special thanks to Shopkeeper Sue for whipping up the best Espresso Martinis this side of the North Pole. To Diamond Dirk (The Legend) Pidgeon for extra muscle and continued support. To smarmy agent Jeff Valley and (that was) Cole for the love and hustle, and to all our new and old friends who shook the room like a freakin’ snow globe.

Roxy & PlushieNow on to sleep mode. (Translation - sleep, rehab, learning new songs) We’ll be back at The Sunset House January 18th, 2008. Until then, drink up, lie down and keep checkin’ back for updates.

Rumor of the Week -  Someone’s ex got Blitzened and headed south to the wrong pole.


The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails

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Scheissenweiss and Spaetzlehoff

The LGC @ the German-American Club

The German American Club show was one for the record books. Never before has the band been so showered in delicious beer and fine dinery! (For the record: we have been showered in beer before, but it was quite literally -- and probably Bud Light.) Thanks again to Kathy, who surprised the living crap outta B-boy Paul and to all our new friends and fans. Especially the ones in the fourth grade.

Pauli and the Alps          Harvé and the Eagle

Next up - our sonic cup of rock runneth over in Connecticut this Friday at Hot Shots in Newtown!

Hot Shots Grille logo

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Filthy Pilgrims, Sexy Squaws

The band

Thanksgiving came six days early as the LGC Plymouth-rocked The Sunset House this past Friday eve. Not only was there a cornucopia of Cocktail loyalists dancing their collective asses off, but a whole new crop of pie-eyed pioneers came out to witness the spectacle, too.

Thanks of course to everyone, but the big Thanksgiving Drumstick of Love goes out to Plushie, Slushie and Crushie Lush, whose hips (and skimpy outfits) brought fire from the sky and whipped up a gravy none will soon forget.

Plushie Lush Slushie Lush Crushie Lush


And check out the gallery of new photos from the gig! (More Lush-shots and even some of the band!)

Next up - private party on December 1st at Putnam Valley's German American Club and then Hot Shots in Newtown, CT on December 7th - a day which will live in infamy.

Hot Shots Grille logo

Rumor of the week - St. Pauli Dangerously's EMT training saved his own ass Friday night....

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Raucus Roll!

Chris & ArleneIf you missed Chris’s B-Day bash at Seany B’s in Millbrook, you missed an unforgettable night (which is weird, because I forget most of it). Scraps of memory include blurry visions of extreme rock ‘n roll excess, free-flowing booze, gifts, cameras, lesbian kisses and -- courtesy of Arlene (Her Highness of Master-Baking) -- a Lifesize Gorgeous Dragon cake that tried to eat ME. Oh, and viciously good sets from Chris’s cherry-picked band of go-to gunslingers, as well as the rode-hard-and-put-away-wet real fuckin’ deal, Steel Rodeo.

The LG Cocktails, of course, Roxy looks leftburned like a thousand suns until they flamed out in a sonic supernova of monitorless magma that somehow, but not unexpectedly, included Dino.

Special thanks to Johnny and Thea from JV Productions for getting us lubed up at the pre-party party and to Plushie and Gary for putting us up (and putting up with us) at Club Bubble. And to all our friends who show up all the time -- you know we love you!

Next up – THE SUNSET HOUSE in Peekskill on November The LGC (right side only)16th.  Every third Friday of every month - we’re there, so you be there. There, there…

Then, get your ghoul on and go see The Scared Stiffs (featuring LGC’s own Otto Wino) Saturday October 27 at the spookiest Stompfest of all – Frankenstein’s Fortress in Stanfordville, NY.

NOTE: New photos up from the October 5th Sunset House and October 13th Seany B's shows.

RUMOR OF THE WEEK
– The LifeSize Gorgeous Cocktails crack Connecticut for the first time when they (allegedly) might appear at Hot Shots in Newtown on December 7th -- a day that doesn’t necessarily need any extra infamy, but we’ll be more than glad to provide it.
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Ears ringing...  livers screaming... people buzzing...

Done -- a  three-gig weekend. Over and out.

The Fallen Biker Benefit was cool. Thanks to Jason Gisser for the impeccable sound and a Few Good Men MC for being great hosts and for not beating us to death with pool cues.

The Dino Fregosi Experience was everything an out-of-control, decadent excuse for rock 'n’ roll excess should be. What happened at the Claddagh stays at the Claddagh. Special thanks to Chris Laubis from The Scared Stiffs for making it all happen. If anybody found our bag full of t-shirts, let us know.

Sunday’s Mahopac Gazebo gig was very... bright. Daytime’s a bitch, but all had a good time. Hair-of-the-dog-stuck-to-some-cotton-candy is the best way to describe it. Shout outs to Scooby-Doo, for the sexy-as-you-can-imagine stripper routine during whatever song we were playing.

See you all at The Sunset House this Friday October 5th and then in Millbrook at Seany B's 101 on the 13th.  That appears for the moment to be the last one for October, as we take some time to learn some new songs and replenish out liquor supplies.

Requests? Drop us a line.
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Holy Metamucil, Batman!

Could we be getting our dose of The LGC with regularity?


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Beyond Sunset

Otto Goes WildA big thanks to everyone who dragged their collective ass down to The Sunset House in Peekskill Friday night. A most memorable night to say the least!

As if booty-shakin’ babes dancing on wobbly tables wasn’t enough, a surprise special guest appearance by the legendary local singer/ frontman/madman, Dino Fregosi, took it to the next level, which could best be described as total reckless chaotic abandon!

The end of the night saw Dino, Roxy, Stewed and the delicious Plushie Lush sharing a mic with The Scared Stiff's bass-thumping ghoul-gone-wild Chris Laubis before the whole thing basically burst into flames.

Otto and DinoDino had so much fun that he invited LGC to open up for his ever-popular Dino and the Missiles next Saturday night (9/29) at The Claddagh in Mahopac at 10.

For those following along, that’s three gigs in 24 hours this upcoming weekend for the Cocktails, beginning with The Fallen Biker Benefit at 6:30 at Eagle's Hall (7 Old Albany Post Rd, Ossining, NY) and winding up at the gazebo in Mahopac Chamber Community Park (Corner of Routes 6 and 6N, Downtown Mahopac) at 1:30 pm. Hope to see you at one or all of ‘em. We’ll be the ones on stage -- with the guitars, drums and stuff...

Harvé does his thingOn a separate note - we raise and drain our glasses to the meanest pianist we know, Harvé Bangwaller, who not only survived his first LGC gig, but made it sing. Thanks, Harvé -- we may even reconsider not posting those embarrassing post-gig cheesecake shots of you, too.

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The Sweet Spot

Ahhh, the tink, tink, tinkle of the cubes is sweet music to our ears, the perfect percussive element to compliment The Venture’s “Diamondhead”  on the hi-fi. The dog daze nights of summer are back and Likker the dog is dozing mightily by the open screen door. It’s the quiet before the storm...  the storm being The Lifesize Gorgeous Cocktails debut gig at the Sunset House in Peekskill on Friday September 21st.  Not to be confused of course with the storm that nearly blew us off the boat at Crystal Bay last month. Sorry again to those who showed post-deluge to find us gone, but electrocution was not on our calendar that day. 
 
We’ll make it up to you if it’s the last goddamn thing we do! Drop by the Sunset House (a delicious bar of ill repute) on September 21st at 137 N. Water St. and raise your glasses to help us ring in whatever needs to be rung. We’ll be ones on stage wearing the guitars and stuff. Now, where’s my refill?

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Rainy Days and Mondays....

Sadly, Friday night's performance at Crystal Bay was cancelled due to inclement weather. A storm blew in as we were setting up and soaked the boat. And when they closed the bar...!

We apologize to our friends and fans and hope to have something new lined up soon!
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